Help! We seem to struggling with separation anxiety – again!

We’ve gone through some rounds of this previously, but recently had been in the clear. It was to the point where Tate was saying “buh-bye” and literally pushing me out the door when his grandparents were here to babysit.

For the last couple of weeks, though, he has a screaming fit when we leave him at any type of child care or with a babysitter at our house. He’s also fighting sleep at night and naptime, whereas he used to go down easily. Now it’s all tears and pleading.

At first we thought it was just a power struggle as our almost-2-year old tries to assert himself. Then the early childhood coordinator at our church pointed out that separation anxiety was common at his age.

Hmm, suddenly I was having flashbacks to my child psychology class, with something about “differentiation of self” running through my mind. Of course I can’t find the textbook when I want it, but it had to do with the child realizing that they are separate from the mother. They love this independence but it also scares them. The same thing happens in the early teenage years and then again in the late teens/early twenties.

So after trying for an hour to get the tired boy down for a nap yesterday, I finally gave in and sang him to sleep in my bed with me. I realize that I’ll probably regret that decision, but I felt like he just wanted some reassurance and mommy time. Truth be told, I wish I could do it more often, without it forming a habit – a la the Baby Whisperer’s “accidental parenting“.

For the long term (starting today!) though, I’m looking for some expert advice. In his book Touchpoints, Dr. Brazelton recommends a routine of preparing the child for a separation, promising that mommy will return. Then when you’re reunited, remind him that you have indeed returned!

The Toddler Tamer gives two solutions to the problem: One is to never leave your child’s presence until the anxiety period is over. The other is to be loving but firm, leaving your child with trusted caregivers without lingering or providing extra comfort. Like Dr. Brazelton, he says to reinforce the event of your return so that it really sinks in for them.

An article at KidsHealth not only gives advice on toddler separation anxiety, but recommends several children’s books that deal with the topic. We’ll be looking for these at the library!

• The Good-Bye Book by Judith Viorst
• The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn
• Even If I Spill My Milk? by Anna Grossnickle Hines

BabyCenter also gives some good advice on dealing with an anxious 2 year old. 

Has anyone else experienced separation anxiety with a toddler? How long did it last? (please say it wasn’t long!) How did you combat the problem?

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MShades

Are you hosting a baby shower anytime soon? Baby shower games seem to fall into the love/hate category, so be sure to check with the guest of honor on her preference. Personally, I’m a fan of games, but for those who aren’t, I’ll point out that games help get all the guests involved. That’s especially important if they don’t know each other, having only the mom-to-be in common.

A recent post at Extra(Hour)dinary Parenting got me thinking about some alternate methods of bringing the guests together. Amanda’s friend hosted a children’s book baby shower, for which each guest brought a book as a gift, and read it out loud. (Read her entire post for details, including a fun idea to keep the reading from getting long or boring.)

Some of my former co-workers each gave me their favorite childhood book when Tate was born. I loved that gift, and it would be so fun to have that be the theme of the entire shower.

This “ABC” baby shower invitation would be a perfect fit for a book shower. It also comes in a flat card version. Click here to view other shower invites.

Have you hosted or attended any unique baby showers? Any fun activities beyond the traditional games? Please tell us about them!

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clevercupcakes

I’ve mentioned before that decorating Tate’s nursery is an ongoing process…adding bits and pieces here and there.

One of my favorite pieces is a custom print that I ordered from Penny People Designs. I saw them on the Spilt Milk Moms blog last summer and just had to have one.

They happen to be running a buy-one-get-one sale right now on the 13×19 prints, so hop on over to their etsy shop!

As you can see below, I chose the greens-and-blues style, and decided to use both his first and middle names, since just “Tate” is short.

The wooden “T” block is from another cool company – Craft-E-Family. As the name implies, they’re a family business, and have excellent craftsmanship and great prices. An entire alphabet set is less than $20 – what a great baby gift that would be! They also make custom blocks featuring the baby’s name, birth stats, parents, etc.

We purchased the wooden duck on our “babymoon” trip to Maine. Sorry I can’t link to the store, but if you’re ever in Bar Harbor, be on the lookout! My friend Tonya made the adorable frame - she actually does the crafty things that I aspire to do.

Speaking of aspirations, my next nursery project is to frame the “T” pages from the Dr. Seuss ABC book: “Ten tired turtles in a tuttle-tuttle tree”. I love that there’s a sleeping theme, and the colors on that page just happen to match Tate’s room.

Growing up with a fairly uncommon name, it was always SO exciting to find something with “Kara” on it. Maybe that’s why I love the current availability of custom-imprinted items, to make my son’s nursery really unique.

What custom touches have you used to decorate your nursery? Anything from your own room growing up, or other family heirlooms? Have you incorporated your child’s name or initials anywhere?

My friend Sarah just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl – welcome, Addison! Another friend is organizing meals to be brought for their family. The same generosity was extended to us when I had Tate and it was so wonderful!

If you’re pregnant or wanting to help out a new mom, here are some things to consider:

General tips for bringing meals to others:

1. Ask about any food allergies or disliked foods.

2. Whenever possible, bring the meal in containers that don’t need to be returned.

3. Think out of the box – in addition to the main meal, include some fresh fruit, a breakfast item or a favorite beverage.

4. If you live out of town, or are unable to prepare a meal, send a gift certificate for a restaurant with delivery or takeout.

5. Get a group of the new mom’s friends together and go to Let’s Dish or a similar place for freezer meal preparation. Give her advance notice, though, so there’s enough room in her freezer!

Tips for the expecting/new mom:

1. Probably a lot of people people will ask what they can do to help you. Ask the most organized of these people to coordinate a meal schedule. Then when anyone else offers to bring a meal, direct him/her to this person. All of the following information should be shared with your organizer to simplify your life!

2. Decide when you want meals to start – perhaps a little later if you have family there to help right away.

3. Consider how often you want to receive meals. Daily might be too much, especially if it’s just two of you eating. For instance, Sarah is receiving meals for two days, then one day off to allow some time for leftovers.

4. Be sure to let people know about any food allergies or things you don’t like.

If you’re trying to fill your own freezer in preparation for baby’s arrival, check out these ideas from Erin at $5 Dinners. Her baby is due soon, so most of the items are crossed off her checklist, but there are links to most of the super-affordable recipes. 

Another idea is this cookbook by Lisa Jost – it looks great, does anyone have it already and can give a review? The Doula’s Cookbook for New Moms: Ideas & Recipes for a New Parent, Busy Parent or Doula.

What are some favorite meals you’ve received? What’s your go-to meal to bring to a family with a new baby?

Photo Courtesy:
EraPhernalia Vintage

This entry in the Pregnancy Decisions series is an interview with Michele, who I connected with on TwitterMoms. She’s the mother of twin boys, and also works full-time as an accountant. For any of you who are deciding whether to return to work after your baby is born, her story will be helpful.

1. What issues did you consider in deciding whether to return to work? 
Finances, my college investment (emotional, time, money, etc.), my sanity. My mom stayed at home and when I was getting ready to go back to work she gave me the greatest gift a mom could give…. She told me she sometimes regretted her decision to stay home and that she had a great job (before kids), and her kids grew up and moved on and she felt like she didn’t have anything of her own. She told me she thought I was making the right decision by going back to work. That was when I realized that whatever decision you make, to stay home or to go to work we all make sacrifices and the grass isn’t always greener. Do I sometimes regret going back to work, yes. But I also know that there was a good chance I would have had some regret if I had made the decision to stay home as well.
 
2. Did you make your decision before or after your child’s birth?
Before.
 
3. How long was your maternity leave, and was that set by you or by your employer?
12 weeks, yes it was set by my employer.
 
4. When did you make childcare arrangements, and what were your main considerations in choosing a provider?
I started calling around when I was pregnant, then happened to notice how much my mother made when she handed me her pay stub to write something down on. I told her I could pay her what I would pay daycare and it would be almost what she was making, if she wanted to babysit for me. After careful thought on both our parts (we didn’t want it to affect our relationship negatively if we didn’t agree on things), we decided to give it a try. It worked out wonderfully for both of us.
 
5. What have been the positive aspects of this decision for your family?
I have my work and family balance. My kids have a great bond with their grandmother. Also, my husband was laid off this year and since I have been promoted while working outside the home, our family hasn’t suffered any financial hardship due to his lay-off.
 
6. What are the challenges for a parent working outside of the home?
Trying to stay focused on work while wondering what your child is doing at home. Trying to keep up with the demands of both being a mom and an employee. Sometimes everything just doesn’t get done and it just has to wait until the next day.
 
7. What advice do you have for parents who have returned to work after the birth of a child?
Build a great support system, either family or daycare or community. Build a partnership with your spouse so he can step in at anytime with childcare or household responsibilities. Also, let go of the guilt as much as you can since guilt adds no value to your job as a mom or as an employee. If momma ain’t happy, nobody’s happy. So stay positive and be happy with the decisions you make; your kids will pick up on this.  

8. How old are your children now?
Twin boys, age 5. They started kindergarten today and are happy, independent, loving, and well-behaved. I could not be happier with the decisions I’ve made and the boys are thriving.

Thank you so much, Michele! You’ve given us some great insight on returning to work after having children.

You may also want to consult The Working Woman’s Pregnancy Guide by Dr. Marjorie Greenfield. I haven’t read the book, but Dr. Greenfield was a guest on this very informative Pregtastic podcast about working during your pregnancy and returning to work post-baby.

If you went back to work outside of the home after your child’s birth, please share what you’ve learned. Any tips to smooth the path for new moms would be much appreciated!

Have you read Where Is The Green Sheep? by Mem Fox? It was published five years ago but we just now stumbled upon it at the library. I guess I missed a large window of children’s literature between the late 70s (when I was the listener) and 2008, when Tate was born and I became the reader-out-louder (?). 

This time around, I find myself rather critical. We started off with classics from Dr. Suess, Eric Carle & P.D. Eastman so there wasn’t much to complain about. In poring through library stacks and  bookstore shelves, however, I realize that there are many poorly-written children’s books out there.

Certainly part of the issue is needing books appropriate to a certain age. For instance, books with no words and simple black and white shapes are too “newborn” for us now. Other books have too many words on a page to hold the attention of my 18-month old. We’re also sticking to board books for now until Tate can be trusted with real paper pages.

But beyond that, there are children’s books out there with neither rhythm nor rhyme, lacking a cohesive storyline, terrible illustrations, etc. I guess the bright side is that the good books shine even brighter in comparison to the duds.

Let me tell you, Green Sheep is a winner.  

The words flow with easy rhythm. They’re simple enough for Tate to understand, and the repetitive chorus keeps the story going until the end (which I won’t ruin for you!).

What really makes me adore this book, though, are the illustrations. Each page has extra little details to point out as we read, but some can only be fully enjoyed by the adult reader. For instance, the page that reads “Here is the moon sheep” has a Neil Armstrong-esque pose, while the “star sheep” seems to be taking a Broadway bow.

On the author’s website, I found a fascinating speech entitled Green Sheep Secrets. She begins by talking about how hideous it is to write for the very young, hardly what I expected from an award-winning children’s author! But I continued reading to discover the hours of agony, adding up to years of work, in order to bring about this single 190-word book. It’s fascinating to learn how each line, each word was carefully chosen, edited and re-edited.

It’s no wonder there are so many bad books out there for children. Rather, the presence of any good ones is amazing!

Want more great books to read to your kids, or for your kids to read? Check out Janelle’s blog, Brimful Curiousities, for reviews of books for all ages and giveaways too.

What were your favorite books when you were a child? Your favorites to read to a child now?

Midway through my pregnancy, I went journal shopping. I was considering colors and textures when it occured to me that 9 months (or about 5 at that point) worth of my thoughts would not fill an entire blank book!

Then I realized that this book could be used as a place to record my baby’s milestones and the cute things he or she would someday say. Not knowing if the baby would be a boy or a girl, and not really wanting something babyish in style, I finally chose a simple black Moleskine book. 

I didn’t know it at the time, but there are (of course!) specific pregnancy journals out there. Expecting You, The Belly Book (my friend Dawn had this one; I love the space for a photo each week), Getting to Know You, Butterflies & Hiccups and My Pregnancy Journal are some of the options I found. Each one has a specific approach, so the online reviews are helpful. 

My first journaling challenge was deciding how to address my entries. My frame of mind was writing letters to my unborn child, so my first instinct was to say “Dear Baby”. Then I realized that by the time the pages would be read, he or she would no longer be a baby. I finally settled on “Dear Beloved” and now of course I use “Dear Tate”.

Another mental hurdle was references to family members. Our parents were suddenly the grandparents, siblings were aunts and uncles. Strangest of all was referring to my husband as Dad.

I ended up journaling about once a month, recapping the events in our life, what we’d learned at doctor visits, name ideas, etc. Looking back, I wish I had written a little more frequently. And specifically, I wish I had captured more of my emotions and thoughts. Whereas I usually took quite some time with each entry, I think a brief sentence or two every few days would have encouraged more “here’s where I’m at today”-type records.

At Chasing Cheerios, Melissa suggests filling a Journal Jar with slips of paper that prompt you to write on a certain topic. What a fun motivation that would be! Did you keep a pregnancy journal? Please share any hints you have!

Before Tate was born, I had great plans to teach him sign language as soon as possible. I ordered a book online and was encouraged to learn that signing helps children speak sooner and increases their IQ, in addition to the obvious communication benefits.

The authors of this particular book have developed a signing vocabulary for babies, using simple gestures they can master. Some are the actual American Sign Language (ASL) signs and some have been specifically created.

Tate was less than 6 months old when I first got the book, so I just skimmed it, thinking I would read it in more detail when he was a little older. (9-12 months is the age when most babies show interest in signs.) My husband of course wanted to know how to sign “poop”. We found it amusing that this most common of baby needs didn’t make it into their list of Top 100 Baby Signs, but “hippopotamus” did!

We started off with the mealtime basics “more” and “all done”, although I rarely used the former since I didn’t feel like putting down his bowl and spoon between each bite to do the two-handed sign. He eventually picked up “all done” but that didn’t exactly give us a huge range of parent-child communication.

After one particularly frustrating day of not understanding what Tate wanted and needed, my husband begged me to order the signing DVDs that our sister-in-law had been raving about. I decided to check them out at the library first, to see if we liked them. We were soon singing and signing along with Rachel. Okay, when I say “we”, I mean “me”. Tate liked watching the kids on the video, but I was skeptical that he could actually pick up any signs.

At a minimum, I figured that the videos were a good way for me to learn the signs. I tried to reinforce them as we encountered the words throughout our day – while reading books, playing with toys, eating, etc. Then one day I asked “Tate, can you sign ‘book’?” and he did! I couldn’t believe it. The one that really floored me was “friend”, a more complicated sign with pointer fingers interlocked, first one on top, then the other.

We’ve gone through the first 2 DVDs now, and he knows 12 signs. I love understanding him more and just having a connection. Even when it’s not something essential, it’s fun to sign “bike” together when we see a biker go by. He seems to get a kick out of it too.

His favorite sign is “dog” and he excitedly pats his hip whenever we see one outside or in a book. If I’m holding him and he can’t access his hip, he’ll reach down and pat mine instead. While we were visiting family over Easter, Tate signed every five minutes or so to remind us that they have a dog.

I can’t really say enough good things about signing in general, and especially these DVDs. I see on their website that there’s a set designed specifically for babies; we’ve been using the regular Signing Time series. Because this series uses actual ASL signs, some seem a bit complicated for Tate at 14 months. As I mentioned, though, he adapts and I generally know what he’s trying to sign.

Who else is using sign language with their children? What’s worked or not worked for your family?

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Most pregnancy information is geared for women, and with good reason. We’re the ones who have all the weird physical and emotional changes going on, and are therefore the ones seeking answers. My husband was quite willing to let me do all the reading, and just give him the important highlights. No, that’s not quite true; he did read our Bradley method childbirth book. Good thing, since it’s also known as “husband-coached childbirth”!

I know, though, that there are some dads-to-be that want to know more about the baby’s development, the changes that their partner is going through and how to make the smoothest possible transition to parenthood. Here are some good online resources:

Most people know about the weekly emails from BabyCenter, with updates on your baby in utero, including size estimates in comparison to foods. I remember wondering, though, about some of the more obscure fruits and vegetables they referenced- a large jicama?! My friend’s husband actually said “what’s an avocado?” at Week 16.

Coming to our rescue are the husband and wife blogging team at His Boys Can Swim. They’ve designed a hilarious Dad’s Pregnancy Guide using objects like a hockey puck or the front wheel of a Big Wheel. Because none of their family or friends know about the blog, they’re able to be completely open and honest about their pregnancy experience. They seem to run a bit on the dramatic side of things, but overall, good info.

Another good blog is Almost a Dad. It includes categories like what not to say and cravings and snacks. Clearly, this guy has been there! I also like his prenatal checklist with things like extra batteries and a deep freeze/chest freezer to hold extra meals for after baby’s arrival.

PregTASTIC is a unique site that features podcasts on a wide variety of pregnancy-related topics. Check out Being Dad and From Dude to Dad - maybe during a workout or commute.

And last is not a dad-specific thing, but my husband thought it was the most helpful part of our prenatal class: the Happiest Baby on the Block DVD from Dr. Harvey Karp. His basic concept is that a newborn is used to the womb, and recreating that environment will keep the baby calmer and happier. No, this doesn’t involve pools of warm water, but swaddling, loud shushing (the womb is actually a noisy place), and a few other gems.

There were times when only nursing would make Tate happy, so my husband was unable to help. In other situations, though, he could use Dr. Karp’s 5-S’s to stop the tears and sadness. Dad was definitely the champion “shusher” in our house. There’s a book too, but we thought it was really helpful to actually see him perform the various techniques. Take some time during your pregnancy to learn these skills – you’ll be glad to have them when the baby arrives. This would be a great library check-out or Netflix option as well.

Stay tuned for Pregnancy Prep for Dad, Part 2…hint: it involves shopping!

Photo Courtesy:
amrufm
razzmatazlady
His Boys Can Swim
The Happiest Baby

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Laying Tate down tonight, I marveled at how long he has become. When he scrunched up his little newborn legs, his toes barely reached my belly button. Lately, I have to give a little extra oomph on my tiptoes to get his feet over the crib rail. Having just passed his first birthday, I find myself marveling at a lot of “look how far we’ve come” things…

The biggest one is sleep. We were not blessed with a naturally good sleeper, and definitely made some parenting errors that made the situation worse. (Read the whole three-part saga, beginning with Our Sleep Journey.) But now, and for the last several months, this is not a struggle. He goes to bed around 7pm, wakes for an early-morning feeding, sleeps a little more and is up for the day around 7am. We can even have babysitters put him to bed. It’s wonderful!

Another one is food: from the first watery rice cereal at four months to the sudden demand for all finger food (Don’t Spoonfeed Me!), he’s now eating a lot of the same things we eat. Advice from many of you has been really encouraging- Allison, you said to try the spoon again every once in awhile. Sure enough, he’s been willing to do yogurt, avocados and now applesauce. Lisa, you told me how you mixed the rice cereal flakes with Bisquick to make pancakes good enough for the whole family. (I’m using up my ground Super Baby Food grains for this.) John, frozen peas are a hit! The self-feeding is obviously more messy, but it’s also pretty fun to see him enjoy new things, especially things I wouldn’t think a baby would like- BBQ meatballs, pepper jack cheese, parmesan risotto. Plus while he eats, I can usually make a quick meal for myself.

In Tate’s first few weeks of life, I hardly ever bathed him because it was such a traumatic ordeal for both of us. The nurse had done such a good job of holding him and getting him clean in that little plastic tub at the hospital, but I quickly realized that I was not as skilled. Once we switched to the infant tub with a hammock-style attachment, voila, bathtime was happytime! (Even though he doesn’t look super-happy in this picture.) Eventually we moved into the real bath tub. I laid him on his back in just an inch of water and he kicked his little legs furiously, surprised when he’d occasionally splash himself in the face. Now it’s all playtime- toys, splashing, “Tate, we don’t stand up in the tub!”, etc.

There are lots of other fun things, like playing with toys and reading books, instead of him simply eating both of them. He understands many directions and loves to be a helper.

And of course some not-so-fun things, generally associated with asserting independence and opinions-  cries that say “I want that and I want it now!” or “Mom, why are you setting me down when I know you can brush your teeth while you’re holding me?”. I’ve noticed that we have far fewer pictures of the last few months, largely because when I pull out the camera, he wants to grab it instead of being in a picture.

We bought more plastic bins last week, to hold the latest round of outgrown clothes. They’re lined up next to the infant car seat, the baby bath tub, and the sleep positioner. Each item had a period in which it was essential, and now they wait to be needed by a someday-little brother or sister.

Remembering all these changes suggests that maybe this first year hasn’t gone by as fast as it feels. I can’t wait to see what the next year will hold!

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