Help! We seem to struggling with separation anxiety – again!

We’ve gone through some rounds of this previously, but recently had been in the clear. It was to the point where Tate was saying “buh-bye” and literally pushing me out the door when his grandparents were here to babysit.

For the last couple of weeks, though, he has a screaming fit when we leave him at any type of child care or with a babysitter at our house. He’s also fighting sleep at night and naptime, whereas he used to go down easily. Now it’s all tears and pleading.

At first we thought it was just a power struggle as our almost-2-year old tries to assert himself. Then the early childhood coordinator at our church pointed out that separation anxiety was common at his age.

Hmm, suddenly I was having flashbacks to my child psychology class, with something about “differentiation of self” running through my mind. Of course I can’t find the textbook when I want it, but it had to do with the child realizing that they are separate from the mother. They love this independence but it also scares them. The same thing happens in the early teenage years and then again in the late teens/early twenties.

So after trying for an hour to get the tired boy down for a nap yesterday, I finally gave in and sang him to sleep in my bed with me. I realize that I’ll probably regret that decision, but I felt like he just wanted some reassurance and mommy time. Truth be told, I wish I could do it more often, without it forming a habit – a la the Baby Whisperer’s “accidental parenting“.

For the long term (starting today!) though, I’m looking for some expert advice. In his book Touchpoints, Dr. Brazelton recommends a routine of preparing the child for a separation, promising that mommy will return. Then when you’re reunited, remind him that you have indeed returned!

The Toddler Tamer gives two solutions to the problem: One is to never leave your child’s presence until the anxiety period is over. The other is to be loving but firm, leaving your child with trusted caregivers without lingering or providing extra comfort. Like Dr. Brazelton, he says to reinforce the event of your return so that it really sinks in for them.

An article at KidsHealth not only gives advice on toddler separation anxiety, but recommends several children’s books that deal with the topic. We’ll be looking for these at the library!

• The Good-Bye Book by Judith Viorst
• The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn
• Even If I Spill My Milk? by Anna Grossnickle Hines

BabyCenter also gives some good advice on dealing with an anxious 2 year old. 

Has anyone else experienced separation anxiety with a toddler? How long did it last? (please say it wasn’t long!) How did you combat the problem?

Photo Courtesy:
MShades

For the first 17 or so months of Tate’s life, he wasn’t attached to any blankets, loveys, or security objects. Well, unless you count me.

My husband thought this was great; he doesn’t like the “neediness” aspect of a lovey. I rather wished there was something we could give Tate that would comfort him, especially when he was sleeping in a new place.

Now suddenly Tate’s crib contains 3 very important stuffed animals and 2 blankets.

If I look back, it didn’t exactly happen overnight. At some point, I tossed the blankets in there, hand-knit beauties that weren’t getting enough use. Tate started snuggling into them at bedtime.

Then he got really into a big stuffed dog that he’d never previously given the time of day. It became part of the crib decor but never left said crib, which made my husband feel better.

The first time we were spending the night away from home, I decided to pack a smaller puppy, hoping it could act as a stand-in for the big puppy. (Tate was only a few months old when this picture was taken, but you can see that this would fill half of an overnight bag!)

My ruse worked and Tate fell asleep happily in the Pack ‘N Play with the puppy substitute. But, you guessed it- when we returned home, he wanted both puppies in his crib.

Then a couple of weeks ago, he had the stomach flu and threw up in the middle of the night. By the time we got everything cleaned up, he was pretty wide awake and the dogs were certainly not going back into the crib in their condition. Luckily he spotted his harness/backpack monkey hanging in the closet, and I threw in a stuffed lamb for good measure.

And now Lambie must be in the crib for bedtime too. Lamby, Lamb-y, Lammie, how do you spell that so it doesn’t rhyme with Bambi? Regardless, I call it Lambie; Tate calls it Baa. He calls the puppies “huh, huh, huh” (the panting sound that a dog makes), which he learned from his cousin who has a dog.

For some reason Little Puppy is allowed to travel around the house and even to leave the house with Tate, but Big Puppy and Baa have to stay in the crib. I’m rather consistent in my parenting inconsistencies – I’m sure my 18-month old understands this logic!

At this point, I have mixed feelings about the loveys. It’s great that he’s so happy when they’re with him. One day, I even got to go to the bathroom by myself, because I convinced him to sit in the glider and read a book to Little Puppy. Unfortunately, when I returned to the nursery, I was not allowed in the chair with them.

It’s super cute that he’s thoughtful enough to offer his puppy water from his sippy cup. It’s not as cute when he shares milk from a non-sippy cup. Good thing puppy can go in the washing machine…

Does your child have a lovey/blanket/special toy? When did the attachment begin, and when did it end (if ever)? Were there rules about the lovey in your house?

You may remember the post I wrote last fall, wondering how to keep Tate’s head from flopping forward when he fell asleep in his car seat. There have been times when he’s awoken because his head keeps tossing back and forth, or is crying after a long sleep and it seems like his neck is sore. Therefore, I was really excited to hear about a new product designed to solve this problem.

Via TwitterMoms, I learned that Melrose Kids wanted some mom bloggers to review their new Head Snuggler. I jumped at the chance, and they sent me a free one to try out. 

The product is very simple: a soft cotton/spandex sheath that slides over the top of your child’s car seat. The lower edge slips over the child’s forehead, holding it in place when he falls asleep. No more floppy-head sleeping!

Here are a few things we learned in trying out the Head Snuggler, which would probably be different for every child/family. We discovered on our Chicago roadtrip that Tate had to be really asleep before pulling it over his forehead, or he would wake up - ten minutes seemed to be enough.

At Tate’s age (18 months), putting the Head Snuggler into place requires both hands- one to hold the sleeping child’s head up and one to pull the fabric down. On our road trip, I was the passenger and could reach back and pull it down. If I were driving alone with Tate, I would just put the car in park at a stop light or pull the car over.

I imagine that when Tate is older and realizes that this product helps him be more comfortable, neither of the above issues will apply. He’ll probably pull it down into place himself when he’s ready to sleep!

Finally, the fabric selection is pretty limited right now but their website says that additional options will be available soon.

I love this idea- a simple, safe way to keep my son’s head and neck properly aligned while he sleeps. The Head Snuggler is something we will continue to use and I definitely recommend it!

Fun Fact about Kara: After college, I spent a year teaching English in Japan. During that time, I became good friends with a family in my town. The mother and daughter, Kyoko and Megumi, came to Minnesota for my wedding, and we went to Japan for Megumi’s wedding in 2007.* They kept asking me when I was having a baby, and I teased that Megumi should have one first.

Sure enough, little Riku was born a month before Tate. The three of them are travelling to California for a wedding, but stopping here first. The thought of taking a 16-month old on a 14-hour flight boggles my mind, but apparently it went well. What’s not going well is his transition to our time zone.

Little Riku slept on our ride home from the airport and then was up many times throughout the night. They’re visiting another friend in town today, and she just told me that he’s been sleeping all afternoon. Meaning that tonight will probably be a bit tough for all involved…

It’s understandable- jet lag is a problem for anyone, and babies just sleep when they’re tired. I’m doing a little internet research and found some good info at Daddy Types. My favorite tip there is getting the child some sun exposure in the middle of the day to help reset his internal clock. Thankfully we have sun in the forecast!

At My Asian Princess, Stephe, (aka Queen Mama) blogs about her daughter, adopted from China. She says that babies generally adjust one hour per day, so it takes about 12 days to make the switch. For her, that was a drop in the bucket. For us, that’s their entire trip- ugh! At least they’ll be ready for California.

Stephe also recommends limiting daytime naps to two hours. Hmm, that sounds familiar- like what we did when Tate had his days and nights turned around as an infant. We’ll have to give that a try tomorrow.

Stay tuned for more stories and photos from our Japanese homestay adventure! In the meantime, does anyone have any tips for helping a baby get over jet lag?

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*Why is there a deer lawn ornament in this photo, you ask? Well, his name is Timmy and I’ll blog about him another day. Suffice it to say that Timmy is quite the world traveler.

Laying Tate down tonight, I marveled at how long he has become. When he scrunched up his little newborn legs, his toes barely reached my belly button. Lately, I have to give a little extra oomph on my tiptoes to get his feet over the crib rail. Having just passed his first birthday, I find myself marveling at a lot of “look how far we’ve come” things…

The biggest one is sleep. We were not blessed with a naturally good sleeper, and definitely made some parenting errors that made the situation worse. (Read the whole three-part saga, beginning with Our Sleep Journey.) But now, and for the last several months, this is not a struggle. He goes to bed around 7pm, wakes for an early-morning feeding, sleeps a little more and is up for the day around 7am. We can even have babysitters put him to bed. It’s wonderful!

Another one is food: from the first watery rice cereal at four months to the sudden demand for all finger food (Don’t Spoonfeed Me!), he’s now eating a lot of the same things we eat. Advice from many of you has been really encouraging- Allison, you said to try the spoon again every once in awhile. Sure enough, he’s been willing to do yogurt, avocados and now applesauce. Lisa, you told me how you mixed the rice cereal flakes with Bisquick to make pancakes good enough for the whole family. (I’m using up my ground Super Baby Food grains for this.) John, frozen peas are a hit! The self-feeding is obviously more messy, but it’s also pretty fun to see him enjoy new things, especially things I wouldn’t think a baby would like- BBQ meatballs, pepper jack cheese, parmesan risotto. Plus while he eats, I can usually make a quick meal for myself.

In Tate’s first few weeks of life, I hardly ever bathed him because it was such a traumatic ordeal for both of us. The nurse had done such a good job of holding him and getting him clean in that little plastic tub at the hospital, but I quickly realized that I was not as skilled. Once we switched to the infant tub with a hammock-style attachment, voila, bathtime was happytime! (Even though he doesn’t look super-happy in this picture.) Eventually we moved into the real bath tub. I laid him on his back in just an inch of water and he kicked his little legs furiously, surprised when he’d occasionally splash himself in the face. Now it’s all playtime- toys, splashing, “Tate, we don’t stand up in the tub!”, etc.

There are lots of other fun things, like playing with toys and reading books, instead of him simply eating both of them. He understands many directions and loves to be a helper.

And of course some not-so-fun things, generally associated with asserting independence and opinions-  cries that say “I want that and I want it now!” or “Mom, why are you setting me down when I know you can brush your teeth while you’re holding me?”. I’ve noticed that we have far fewer pictures of the last few months, largely because when I pull out the camera, he wants to grab it instead of being in a picture.

We bought more plastic bins last week, to hold the latest round of outgrown clothes. They’re lined up next to the infant car seat, the baby bath tub, and the sleep positioner. Each item had a period in which it was essential, and now they wait to be needed by a someday-little brother or sister.

Remembering all these changes suggests that maybe this first year hasn’t gone by as fast as it feels. I can’t wait to see what the next year will hold!

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Do you ever watch the Weather Channel? My husband is into the weather, so I just happen to know that they have a feature called “local on the eights”, in which local weather is reported when the time ends with eight, like 5:18. The current weather is shown in text format, and a computerized voice reads it aloud. For the last two days, the report for our area has begun with this phrase: Bitterly cold.

Shouldn’t the Weather Channel be more objective, less emotional? It’s rubbing salt into a wound to have a computer disparage the place where you’ve chosen for your family to live. But of course they’re right. After the brutal introduction, the report gives details such as “high of -3, windchill -55″. Ridiculous!

I’m somewhat oblivious to the outdoors, however, as I haven’t been there in the last three days. We have been experiencing our first round of Family Flu. Tate’s had it the worst, and without going into graphic detail, I’ve done quite a few extra loads of laundry.

Let’s just say that I would like to more or less retract my post about early-morning grocery shopping. Last week I felt all mom-like for getting up early to run errands…ha- that was nothing! I’m not one to get sick very often, but in previous bouts, I was free to curl up in a ball and sleep until I felt better. This time I’m entertaining a baby whose crankiness reveals that he’s feeling about as good as me. Not that I’ve been going it alone- my husband and I have been taking shifts, watching Tate while the other one sleeps. Still, my “personal on the eights” would be: Utterly miserable.

One of my friends said the best parenting advice he’d been given was to remind himself that “this too shall pass”. So that’s what I’m going with, and as of this evening, we seem to be past the worst of the illness. Even better, the forecast for next week is in the thirties! Hooray for our family, hooray for Minnesota!

Photo Courtesy:
somma1977

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I had a very “mom” moment yesterday, and I wasn’t even with my son.

Let me back up a little…Tate’s general pattern is to go to sleep at 7pm and wake up sometime around 6am. I nurse him for about 20 minutes and he sleeps another hour or so before we’re up for the day. That feeding is a half-awake one for me (awesome tip from my friend Lindsay: put a travel pillow around your neck if you sit up for nighttime feedings – SO comfortable!). After Tate falls asleep, I hold him for a few snuggly minutes, amazed at how big he’s gotten already, sad that we won’t always have these shared morning moments, and very happy that I get a little more sleep.

Yesterday, however, I spent most of the 20 minutes arguing with myself. Because I was hosting book club that night, my to-do list included grocery shopping, final house-cleaning and cooking dinner. Plus we’d been invited to visit a music class in the morning. It seemed wisest to get the grocery shopping done after putting Tate back down, while Dad was home- not only would I be able to start cooking as soon as we came home from class, but shopping alone would be much easier.

But no, my body argued, you could get more sleep, your bed is warm, remember the flannel sheets?! You know how they show a little devil and a little angel over someone’s shoulder when they’re trying to make a decision? Mine was the mom and the not-mom. The person who has a bundle of joy helping to dictate the day’s schedule and the person whose time is their own.

“Mom” won. And as I braved the frigid cold in the pale light of morning and entered a nearly empty grocery store, I suddenly felt like my mom. She often did the shopping at 5am, which I’ve always attributed to her being a morning person. It suddenly struck me that she’s not THAT much of a morning person. But she had FIVE (wonderful, amazing) children, which means every day probably had a crazy to-do list and grocery shopping was an ordeal that I can’t currently imagine.  

Anyway, the shopping got done along with everything else, and book club was great as always (tim tam slam for dessert). Also, I learned that the lines at the grocery store are very short when you’re there early in the morning!

Photo Courtesy:
nyki_m

…continued from Our Sleep Journey and Our Sleep Journey, Part 2

Okay, so to recap, eight is enough! Eight months without good sleep, that is… My husband and I had tried the advice of 2 different books and our own strategy too, attempting to train Tate to sleep through the night. Instead of getting better, things were getting worse. I’d read enough and heard enough stories from friends to know that he probably wouldn’t outgrow this, and I really didn’t want to be working on this when he’s in a real bed. At least in the crib, we have a small element of control.

Then my former boss, a father of four, loaned me a copy of Sleeping Through The Night, by Jodi Mindell. By this time, I could skip past the parts explaining sleep cycles (everyone wakes up during the night; babies just don’t know how to get back to sleep like we do), and recommending a consistent nighttime routine (we were already doing that). Chapter 6 held the key for me…I realized that we had just replaced one sleep association (nursing) with another (pacifier and comfort). We still hadn’t allowed Tate to learn how to get himself to sleep! Mindell instructs parents to put the child to bed (after completing the normal bedtime routine) and simply leave. Then you return to the room for a quick “check”- pat on the back, verbal reassurance, but no picking up or cuddling. The checks get further apart (e.g. 5 minutes, 5, 10, 10, 15, etc.) until the child falls asleep. She suggests that on average, it takes 45 minutes of tears on the first night, an hour on the second night (they’re testing to see if you’re serious about this new system), then 20 minutes or less on the third night.

Mindell advises starting at nighttime, but I decided to try it during a nap instead, when I had more energy and resolve. Indeed, it took about 45 minutes for Tate to fall asleep. That night, however, it was less than 10 minutes, and he slept from 8pm to 5:30 am, then I nursed him and he slept until 7. We thought maybe it was a fluke, but he’s been sleeping consistently ever since. He falls asleep after five minutes or so of crying, but sometimes none, occasionally wakes up during the night, but is able to settle himself back to sleep without intervention from mom or dad. It feels like a miracle, after 8 months of struggle, to be getting full nights of rest.

A side bonus: before we went to the cry-it-out method, Tate began to associate the pacifier with being put down to bed and vigorously refused it when offered. This held true at other non sleep-times as well; he just has no interest in it. Now we won’t have to worry about weaning him off of it at some future point- hurray!

My husband and I still go back and forth on how we’ll approach sleep with our next child. I feel like I’ve learned so much that I’d never make the same mistakes again. Yet something tells me that a different child, with a different temperament, will present a whole new set of issues. Not to mention that there will be a big brother with his own sleep schedule to work around.

And honestly, I couldn’t have started off at the point that I’ve ended up. I still hate hearing him cry, but I’ve gotten to the point where a few tears are worth the reward of good sleep, both for him and for his dad and me. While I feel that we’ve given our son a valuable skill in getting himself to sleep, re-reading the no-cry books makes me feel guilty all over again. So I guess I’ll still be losing sleep, as I worry about the sleep I’ve gained…aaargh!

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…continued from Our Sleep Journey

By the time Tate was about 5 months old, I decided to try something else. A friend said they’d had success with the Baby Whisperer system, so I checked it out at the library. The official, very promising title, is The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems by Tracy Hogg. A former nurse, Hogg advocates the EASY system, putting children into a routine of Eat-Sleep-Activity-time for You. I was finally ready to concede that my habitual nursing him to sleep wasn’t helping the larger goal of consistent sleep, so this made sense to me. If changing to the EASY routine isn’t successful on its own, Hogg details the “Pick Up-Put Down” method, in which you pick your child up as needed to comfort him, but then lay him right back down into bed.“The idea behind this is that you’re giving him comfort and security and letting him have the emotion.” (p. 222)

Again, I was sold, excited to have found another method that didn’t make me feel like I was abandoning my child, ignoring his needs. I appreciated her perspective, which approaches issues from the child’s point of view. Her wisdom was acquired by personally helping thousands of parents work through their childrens’ sleep and other problems, right in their homes. I secretly hoped that she’d come to Minnesota to “solve all my problems”, and was crushed to find out that she had actually passed away in 2004.

In implementing the technique, I realized very quickly that picking up my nearly 20-pound son repeatedly was way too hard on my back. During the training period, Hogg says that the average is 20 rounds of pick up-put down, but that she had sometimes done as many as a hundred! 

We finally decided to compromise by allowing Tate to cry, but my husband or I would stay in the room with him until he fell asleep, picking him up for comfort periodically. Then one day, while I was sitting with him before naptime, Tate suddenly pulled himself up to standing in the crib! He was so proud (and so was I) that it was hard not to cheer along with him every time. But he obviously wasn’t going to fall asleep in a standing position. And because he was already tired, and new to the skill, he’d fall down a lot and get even more upset.

I also wondered whether our presence was comforting or confusing to him. It seemed like it was almost more for me than for him- I didn’t feel as guilty about him crying if I was there in the same room. His look, though, said, “you’re right there, you must see me and hear me, why aren’t you picking me up?!”

After a few weeks, we decided to leave the room after putting him down. He would jump up to stand and there would be tears for a few minutes, then I would lay him back down, put his pacifier in, and rub his back or head. After a few rounds of this, he’d be asleep. He was still waking up once at 10 or 11, and once at around 3, and would need the laydown/pacifier/backrub repeated. 

Then he began to refuse the pacifier, and screamed even louder when I tried to put it in. He would only be comforted by my nursing or holding him, and was waking up every couple of hours. Unfortunately for me, this happened during a 2-week period when my husband was out of town and we were at grandma’s. I hoped that being back in his own crib, or maybe having dad act as the enforcer, would help him return to his old ways. Alas, this was not the case…

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In my old life, this daylight saving time was the good one- “fall back” and get a luxurious extra hour of sleep! Oh no, Mommy, not any more!!

All day on Sunday I was having trouble figuring out Tate’s naptimes in my head. We’re not really scheduled nap people (e.g. naps at 10, 2 and 4 every day), but generally he’s up for 2-3 hours between each one. So I kept trying to remember, did he get up at 7:30 regular time or was that after I set the clock back? Had I already changed the clock in my bedroom when I put him down at “10″?

Then this morning, the real bomb hit…I’m thinking, why is he waking up at 4:30? Ah, yes, he thinks it’s 5:30. Obviously, my body hasn’t transitioned to the time change yet either, but my brain sees a “4″ on the alarm clock and yells: Go Back To SLEEP! I guess my baby couldn’t hear the yelling.

My sister-in-law’s Facebook status says: “we’re skipping swimming lessons because our naps are all messed up – stupid daylight savings!” Aha, so we’re not the only ones having problems. So, what to do?

I found a great site with helpful information on all kinds of baby sleeping challenges. It’s called Pick Nick’s Brain and there are several different suggestions for helping your kids adjust to daylight saving time. We’re more or less using the 3rd option that “Nick” (for Nicole, I think) lists, gradually pushing bedtime as late as Tate will tolerate.

This daylight saving event sort of blindsided me; next time I’d like to prepare a little better and do a gradual adjustment, a few days before and after the time change. What’s worked (or not) for all of you out there?

Photo Courtesy:
laffy4k